Left or Right or Wrong?

I was reading this article in the local rag this morning.

http://www.startribune.com/614/story/650303.html

As I read, I was able to begin to articulate some things I have been wrestling with for a while:

I don't like the left's views on poverty.
I don't like the right's views on the poor.

I don't like the left's views on homosexuality.
I don't like the right's views on homosexuals.

I don't like the left's lack of standards of morality.
I don't like the right's self-righteousness in the area of morality.

I don't like the left's worship of the environment.
I don't like the right's disregard for environmental stewardship.

I'm sick of politics, liberal or conservative, and really just want to follow Jesus.

I feel like I don't fit in, although reading this article has given me hope. It may not come while I'm at this particular church, but there are outlets for my quest. God willing, I'm on my way.

It's All About...

The song on my CD player right now says, "It's all about you, Jesus." I wonder how much of my life really is all about him. I seem to squeeze him in around all the other stuff that demands my attention on a daily basis. You know, important stuff like...sports, the internet, working out, newspapers, snacks, gossip, staring blindly into space. Why do I neglect so often that which I claim is of supreme importance?

The disciples said, "To whom would we go? You alone have the words of life." And yet I ask everyone I know their opinions, their advice, their take on things before I even pause to say, "What do you think Jesus?" It seems that I live a secular life and try to spiritualize things when the mood strikes me. Why is that?

Do I blame him for my state? Do I fear that if I really dive in, I'll be over my head? Do I just not have a clue? Am I simply human or am I simply making excuses?

The temptation is to do a Peter and ask, "What about him?" I really like it when I can compare my intimacy with God to a few select other people. But I'm not called to live out someone else's relationship with him, simply to follow him myself. So comparison is no good. Crud. I hate that! I have to stand there naked before him and admit that I've placed everything else first and see the hurt in his face, the rejection in his eyes. And that cuts. Or else I have to get up off my butt and seek him today.

Worth the Risk?

I've been reading a couple of books by Erwin McManus lately and I'm more convicted than ever that I've spent my adult life taking the path of least risk. I got my education in religion, so I've settled for positions of security in churches that don't challenge me and then I wonder why I feel so restless. God seems to be saying "STOP being so SAFE and get out on the edge a bit!" I am starting to try my wings, but it can be scary when you've been safe for so long. Whatever the next position is, though, it will have to include a strong missional element or I'll just keep looking.

Things continue to deteriorate here. A meeting has been called with the conference superintendent to air complaints and grievances against me. I think that between my lack of desire to be a pastor and our inability to understand one another philosophically and culturally, this might be my shortest stay ever. It is August. I'll be surprised if I'm still around here by the first of the year. I've never experienced a place where I'm the center of so much controversy. There have been conflicts through the years, but usually they're dealt with and we go on to become friends. Doesn't seem to be a possibility here. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and it seems as if I offend someone just about every day. Short of a complete personality and wiring transplant with a removal of any and all passion, I'm not sure what I can do.

I'm listening to the latest Johnny Cash release, AmericanV: A Hundred Highways. What an amazing CD. There is so much haunting repentance and redemption in the lyrics and in his voice. Was never a big JC fan, but the stuff he did toward the end is just incredible. I recommend to everyone, country fan or not.

Peace of Christ.

Catching My Breath

What a blur summer can be. After the long vacation, I had a couple of weeks to catch my breath and then head off to church camp to run the youth program. Not a week for the ages. I've never experienced mass resistance, anger and outrage like I did last week at camp. Most of the time, people take some time before they hate me. Not so much this time! My co-director and I made a small change in the schedule and things deterioriated quickly from there. By the end of the week, we at least had a civil relationship with the kids and some of the parents, but wow, what an ugly situation.

I took my kids to Missouri for a second (consecutive) week of camp. Got to see my grandma--she's doing great--and spend some time with my two favorite cousins. Made it to Kaufmann Stadium for a Royals game for the first time in years. And THEY WON!!! It doesn't get any better than that. And now I'm home and Carol and I have a few days alone together. What a nice break.

Before camp, I took the Miller Analogies Test to gain admission into grad school. I think I did okay, but am still waiting for the results. Life hangs in the balance. Or something like that.

From here it stays busy for a while. Got to remember to keep things close to God or I might go crazy!

Peace of Christ.

I Would Drive 3500 Miles...

We left on June 12th and returned on June 27th. In between, we drove over 3500 miles, first for our denomination's quadrennial General Conference, then for about 10 days of vacation. It was our first big vacation as a family. We have always vacationed at our parents' houses before, so this was a new experience. What a great trip. Here are the highlights:

Pittsburgh: we elected a new General Superintendent, Brian Eckhardt. What a great choice. I am looking forward to seeing Brian lead The Evangelical Church into the future. Also got to see some old friends and make some new ones.

New Jersey: a lot of fun. Defining comment: "It was weird that it wasn't weird." Being back in New Jersey seemed like being home. The people at Wiley Church are really our family and the culture of South Jersey really fits me. We had much fun staying with Jay and Barb and their kids. I ate two cheesesteaks and three water ices. Went to church that really felt like church. Spent a day at the shore. My son and I got matching bead necklaces at the 99 cent store on the Ocean City boardwalk.

New Hampshire: a really nice couple of nights with Jan and two of her girls. Got to meet Devin, the grandson. He is quite the charmer. While in NH, we drove to Maine just to say we have been there and had a lot of fun at the Kittery Trading Post. Took Emilee to her first college visit and interview at Gordon College in the Boston area. She thinks it is wicked awesome!

Niagara Falls: we got to see a fireworks display at the falls on Friday night. Pretty cool. Felt very touristy and was great fun. Don't understand exchange rates yet, but give us time.

Michigan: got to hang out with Carol's brother Tim and his family for a couple of days. This is where the end of trip cold really caught up with me, so I slept a lot. It was nice for the kids to get better acquainted with their cousins and to visit Tim's church and hear him preach. We don't see each other often, so it was very nice.

The drive home: drove through Michigan, across the Mackinac Bridge and the UP. Stayed in Iron Mountain on Monday night, an interesting little town. Drove across Wisconsin on Tuesday to come home. What a beautiful drive. Carol is already checking out properties!

That comes to 3500 miles. No car troubles, no serious conflicts. A great time with the family and many reunions with friends. Now I'm home and in serious need of a vacation!

Balance is hard!

I work out just about every day. Usually about once each week I take classes at the Y to help motivate the workouts the remainder of the week. I can handle most of the strength and endurance exercises. Balance, however, is a different story. Balance is hard!

We're finishing up our first year here in the Minneapolis area. I have been reminded as this school year comes to a close how hard it is to achieve balance when you have two adults and three children living together. Our oldest loves it here. She has found her niche in a huge school (bigger than the entire town we used to live in) and has made so many friends that I can't keep track of all of them. Her grades are outstanding, her drive and ambition frightening. She talks to other kids about her faith and is something of a mentor to many of her classmates. It has been a dramatic turnaround.

Middle child has always been the outgoing, contented child. This move has had a different affect on her. Her grades and study habits have definitely gotten better, which is good since middle school is calling her for next school year. However, she doesn't really have any "out-of-school" friends, which is a little disturbing for the parents. She has always had so many visitors over and it is a little painful for us to see her lonely. There are no kids in our church who are her age and are willing to be friends with her. She is still her sweet, if growing toward adolescence, self, but there is something a little hollow in her smile these days.

Youngest has had to adjust to a chaotic classroom with some pretty tough kids and an inexperienced teacher. He is making friends on our block now and that seems to help. I worry that he'll be a crowd-follower throughout his growing up years and that we'll have to walk through some tough times with him. I think he would rather be back in a small town, but he is adjusting to city life.

Carol hides her feelings about the situation. When things are tense at the church (more often than not), she is ready to throw the whole thing over and move onto other things. She prefers the quiet, country feel of a small town but seems to like some of the amenities (museums, parks, cultural opportunities) of the city.

I enjoy this area. I love the biking trails, the Y, having professional sports right down the street (15 minutes to the Metrodome for a Twins game), coffee shops, traffic and the educational institutions nearby. I struggle so badly with the pastor role in a small, local church, but love the cross-cultural ministry opportunities offered in my interaction with pastors and leaders in North Minneapolis and throughout the metro. I often think God has moved me here to launch me into something bigger, better designed for who I am.

So, how do we keep five distinct individuals happy and satisfied? It is a question for which I don't really have an answer right now. As I said before, balance is hard.

Ugh!

When we think of a pastor, I believe we most often think in terms of someone who is good at nurturing and taking care of needs, who will offer wise counsel and solace to those who are troubled or hurting. When you fill the role of pastor and all you really have to offer is what you can do "up front", if your only strength is the teaching/preaching aspect of the position, then it is really ugly when you deliver a sermon that just hangs out there in the air for a few seconds before gravity grabs it and it crashes to the floor. It feels like being naked in front of everyone in the room, knowing that you're sinking fast and there is nothing else in your makeup or history to cry out, "It's okay! This is not all I am! You know my other strengths, so just rely on those in this awkward moment!"

Sunday I laid out a clunker. It looked so good on paper and it was delivered so poorly. Add to that the fact that about half of the crowd was made up of visitors from other parts of the country and the uncomfortable factor was incredible. I wanted nothing so much as a place to hide. It felt like farting in class. It just reinforces the urgency of my need to find something else to do, something that I am designed to do. The ultimate showdown must be approaching.